Flathead Beacon political writer Mike Jopek has a nice retrospective on Governor Brian Schweitzer, whom the people of Montana, in their great collective stupidity, prevent from running for a third term. Montanans fear, without any supporting evidence, that once a man masters governing, he becomes dangerous and should be replaced by a neophyte who requires on-the-job-training.
Update. You’ll want to read this, too.
Duties. Will patrol school looking for armed intruders, capturing or killing said intruders without injuring innocent bystanders. Will wear uniform and bulletproof vest, and carry high powered firearms, tear gas, and flash bang grenades.
Minimum qualifications. High school diploma required, college degree preferred. Must have at least two years of honorable in the military, civilian law enforcement, citizen militia, or paramilitary security firms of the Blackwater genre. Special forces training preferred. Certified expertise in firearms is mandatory. Membership in the NRA is recommended. Must be physically fit, at least six feet in height with commensurate weight; fatsos and little people need not apply. Must be native speaker of English. Must have authoritative bearing, appear menacing to intruders and suspicious characters prowling outside the school, be as friendly as a teddy bear to students, staff, and parents, and not be frightened by the prospect of a shootout at knife fighting range with a crazy guy with an assault rifle and the element of surprise. Must be a God fearing Christian active in a socially respectable church.
Compensation. $24,000 to $36,000 depending on experience. Medical with Ryanesque copay. Membership in a fitness club and a target range. Armored Humvee with machine gun mounts. Summer vacation. Life insurance, contribution to 401k, uniform and weapons allowance, and $6,000 for funeral expense.
Application procedure. Submit notarized resume and handwritten statement of 200–250 words explaining why you want to be an armed school guard, and why this school district should hire you. Provide all access information for financial and medical information, and social media for you, your spouse, your children, your parents, siblings, your cousins, and your best friends. Don’t even think about lying. You’ll be polygraphed, fingerprinted, photographed, tested for drugs, interviewed by a psychiatrist specializing in mental illness, and examined by a proctologist (we can’t be too careful).