1 April 2015

Breaking! Hillary says “I’m too old to be President,” ends campaign

HANS, 1 April 2015, Washington. According to possibly reliable sources, Hillary Clinton gathered her family and closest political advisors at dawn this morning for an unexpected announcement:

I’m too old to be President. My step is slowing, getting out of bed’s an effort, I’m having trouble thinking through complicated issues, and I’ve forgotten how to use government email. I’m ending my campaign and endorsing a Democratic ticket of Sen. Sherrod Brown and Martin O’Malley.

Those in attendance swear they immediately sought emergency medical treatment for shock for themselves, and for temporary insanity for Mrs. Clinton.

“She can’t stop now,” said a clearly rattled advisor who requested anonymity so he could speak freely. “It doesn’t matter if she has to take the oath of office by proxy because she’s in a coma. It’s time for a woman President — why? WHY!!? Because it’s time, you fool! — and the Lord, Democratic women, and my wife, will never forgive her if she listens to Father Time instead of Mother Identity Politics.”

Mrs. Clinton told those gathered that she had a moral duty to place the good of the country and the Democratic Party above her personal ambitions:

Above all, we must elect a Democrat, even if that Democrat’s a male again. Even if I were younger, I’d have to step aside because my being at the head of the ticket would shield Jeb Bush from charges he was trying to perpetuate a political dynasty. Without me as our candidate, Jebbie won’t be able to dismiss the problem that Dubya would be the First Brother and Poppy would be the First Daddy again. If Poppy’s still alive.

Bill Clinton could not be reached for comment, but full moon howling could be heard inside the Big Dawg’s office, along with a young woman’s sobs and shrieks of anguish while a baby cried.

Jeb Bush expressed dismay. “She was the only Democrat I could beat,” he said. “Now I have to deal with the dynasty issue, and frankly, it’s a loser.”

Scott Walker, Mario Rubio, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul — indeed, all Republicans not named Bush — beamed with joy.

“Now that women won’t be able to vote for another woman,” Cruz smirked, “they’ll trip over themselves rushing to vote for smart and handsome me.”

“Not so fast, Ted,” Carly Fiorina replied. “Now that Hillary’s in the rest home, women will identify with and vote for me. Besides, you were born in Calgary… what’s that? No, no, you weren’t born on Calvary. Climb down from that cross.”

Scott Walker laughed at Fiorina’s comment. “I busted unions. Carly busted HP. Who do you think business friendly Republicans will support?”

A spokeswoman claiming to represent Ready for Hillary, the group unofficially supporting Mrs. Clinton and denouncing her critics, refused to believe the report that Mrs. Clinton’s won’t run. “That can’t possibly be true,” she said. “After coming this far, she has no right to face the facts. So what if she’s a step slower, if her face is lined and doughy, if her quip isn’t as quick as it was. She’s still the same old Hillary. I think this story is an April Fool story.”

“No foolin’?” said a crestfallen Joe Biden. “Damn. I thought this was a big….”